Everyone in this book is on Drugs. Review: The Consequence of Loving Colton by Rachel Van Dyken

23381448My name is Milo Caro and I have a confession to make.

I’ve been in love with Colton Mathews since I was five. He should have known that sharing a cookie with a sugar obsessed little monster would do the trick–it sealed his fate. So really, the fact that he’s sporting a black eye, a limp, almost got ran over by a car, and was nearly responsible for another person’s death? Right. HIs fault. Not mine.

I made a pact with myself–this weekend would be different. I’d come home for my brothers wedding, smile, and Colton would naturally melt into my arms, we’d get married have five kids, live in a house by the river, and get a dog named scratch (clearly I’ve thought this through).

What really happened? I punched my brother in the face, Colton kissed me and apologized, I lied about having a boyfriend, oh and everyone wants to meet the mystery man.

They say laughter always comes before insanity–ha, ha. All I wanted was my brother’s best friend…instead I’m sitting in prison.

Let this be a lesson to you all…life rarely happens the way you want it to.

I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Thoughts:

Where do I even begin? This book was like being at a children’s party- the kind with clowns and candy and a bouncy-house. There are a million screaming children and everyone is babbling at you and all of the adults are getting drunk (not that this usually happens at a children’s party, but it happens at this one) and it is just too much.

Everyone in this book is crazy! There were four different viewpoints in The Consequence of Loving Colton: Milo, Colton, Max, and Jason. Jason was exactly like Colton, Max was exactly like his brother Reid, and when they were narrating they ALL sounded like Milo. This wasn’t like a story, this was a single person’s hallucinatory drug trip. The characters act with no foresight or reason, and I swear half of the dialogue was  ridiculous nonsense because it’s supposedly funny. It wasn’t. Even in serious situations- like Jason who’s allergic to ants getting swarmed by ants and swelling so much he can’t even see, or Reid being molested repeatedly by a cougarly old lady- everyone was making fun of everything and laughing it off like it was no big deal.

Plus nudity! Nudity everywhere! Milo naked in front of her brother, a guy watching two people getting it on in a pool, a girl playing strip poker with a group of men- what is this, a wedding weekend or a college frat party? Why isn’t this labeled as erotica? (To be fair, I’m a prude, but still, there were like a million penis jokes, and the main character varied between MAKING them and having no idea what they meant because she’s just so innocent. Can someone this sexually frustrated really be a virgin? No consistency with the character.)

And the romance… I expect my romances to be.. romantic. But everything about Milo and Colton was awkward. I really don’t see any chemistry in them at all- it was played, in parts, as if their love was deep and meaningful, brought on by a lifetime of friendship, but honestly I’m not even sure if these characters are capable of any deep thought. The greatest salute I saw to their love was how horny they both were for each other.

And that was awful, too. Like, Milo couldn’t have a conversation with Colton without inner thoughts about wanting to feel him on her. Even the most basic words spark her libido, AND his- considering they’re the same person when they narrated. He did the same thing. And both of them have serious sexual issues. So I guess it’s good in a way they found each other. They can share their horrible nymphomaniac tendencies with each other for the rest of their lives.

But despite being obsessed with losing her virginity, Milo was also so self conscious at points that it literally made me angry. So (SPOILERS!) she just got married to Colton, (yes, married) who just a few book lines ago told her that he loved everything about her, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and makes a ton of sexual jokes. Then, after the wedding he takes her by the hand to go to his house. Her first reaction: “Oh no! Is he going to reject me again? Did he want to take me here to reject me?” NO YOU DUMBASS, HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Because after I get married and my man takes me  to a private spot, I’m going to be worried that he wanted to get me alone to tell me that it wasn’t working out between us. Like, “sorry I married you! Should have thought that one through!” Then again, these characters think nothing through.

To be fair, it wasn’t all bad. There were some parts that made me smile, twice I laughed out loud. I adored Max until he got a narrated part towards the end, and then I was just fed up with the book in general. Had I only finished half of The Consequence of Colton, it would have gotten a higher review, but by the end, it really was just too much for me. Too much sexual frustration, too much hyperactivity, and too much dumbass-ness.

Two Stars

Slightly More than a Waste of my Time.

Hey! This is the first time I’ve ever trashed a book! (I think.) In part, I feel like a horrible person for being so cruel, but in part I think love should be a feeling, not a longstanding joke.

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5 thoughts on “Everyone in this book is on Drugs. Review: The Consequence of Loving Colton by Rachel Van Dyken

  1. “Everyone in this book is on drugs.” Ha! Love this post’s title. The heroine sounds INSANE from the synopsis alone–no thank you. “This was a single person’s hallucinatory drug trip.” Already this review is proving to be more entertaining than the book!

    On a more serious note, I’m 100% sure I’m going to hate this book, so I’m staying FAR away. I can’t deal with multiple voices that all sound the same, and crazy characters who make jokes out of every single thing they can. Also, I HATE it when the characters can literally think nothing but dirty thoughts when they’re with their love interests. STOP.

    Awesome review, Danni!

    Like

    • Thank you! In a way I feel bad about turning people off to a book- no matter what it was still months worth of work from an author- but people ought to know when something’s not for them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so hard to keep the characters seperate when they all sound the same. With multiple point of views I find it very important that it’s obvious who’s point of view you are reading. Awkwardness can be done well in some romances, like in Losing It by Cora Carmack, it was done well, but it definitely sounds like the awkwardness didn’t work well in this book. It just sounds weird with all the nudity and actions not making sense. I hope your next book is better!

    Like

    • Me too! Next up is A Court of Thorns and Roses, which I have high hopes for. The Consequences was so confusing- even when I knew who was speaking, I constantly had to stop to reassess myself when someone said something and I expected it to be someone else.

      Like

  3. Pingback: DNF Reviews (Don’t worry, they’re Un-Stared) | Danni Mae

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