I’ve been in love with Colton Mathews since I was five. He should have known that sharing a cookie with a sugar obsessed little monster would do the trick–it sealed his fate. So really, the fact that he’s sporting a black eye, a limp, almost got ran over by a car, and was nearly responsible for another person’s death? Right. HIs fault. Not mine.
I made a pact with myself–this weekend would be different. I’d come home for my brothers wedding, smile, and Colton would naturally melt into my arms, we’d get married have five kids, live in a house by the river, and get a dog named scratch (clearly I’ve thought this through).
What really happened? I punched my brother in the face, Colton kissed me and apologized, I lied about having a boyfriend, oh and everyone wants to meet the mystery man.
They say laughter always comes before insanity–ha, ha. All I wanted was my brother’s best friend…instead I’m sitting in prison.
Let this be a lesson to you all…life rarely happens the way you want it to.
I received this book in exchange for an honest review.
Where do I even begin? This book was like being at a children’s party- the kind with clowns and candy and a bouncy-house. There are a million screaming children and everyone is babbling at you and all of the adults are getting drunk (not that this usually happens at a children’s party, but it happens at this one) and it is just too much.
Everyone in this book is crazy! There were four different viewpoints in The Consequence of Loving Colton: Milo, Colton, Max, and Jason. Jason was exactly like Colton, Max was exactly like his brother Reid, and when they were narrating they ALL sounded like Milo. This wasn’t like a story, this was a single person’s hallucinatory drug trip. The characters act with no foresight or reason, and I swear half of the dialogue was ridiculous nonsense because it’s supposedly funny. It wasn’t. Even in serious situations- like Jason who’s allergic to ants getting swarmed by ants and swelling so much he can’t even see, or Reid being molested repeatedly by a cougarly old lady- everyone was making fun of everything and laughing it off like it was no big deal.
Plus nudity! Nudity everywhere! Milo naked in front of her brother, a guy watching two people getting it on in a pool, a girl playing strip poker with a group of men- what is this, a wedding weekend or a college frat party? Why isn’t this labeled as erotica? (To be fair, I’m a prude, but still, there were like a million penis jokes, and the main character varied between MAKING them and having no idea what they meant because she’s just so innocent. Can someone this sexually frustrated really be a virgin? No consistency with the character.)
And the romance… I expect my romances to be.. romantic. But everything about Milo and Colton was awkward. I really don’t see any chemistry in them at all- it was played, in parts, as if their love was deep and meaningful, brought on by a lifetime of friendship, but honestly I’m not even sure if these characters are capable of any deep thought. The greatest salute I saw to their love was how horny they both were for each other.
And that was awful, too. Like, Milo couldn’t have a conversation with Colton without inner thoughts about wanting to feel him on her. Even the most basic words spark her libido, AND his- considering they’re the same person when they narrated. He did the same thing. And both of them have serious sexual issues. So I guess it’s good in a way they found each other. They can share their horrible nymphomaniac tendencies with each other for the rest of their lives.
But despite being obsessed with losing her virginity, Milo was also so self conscious at points that it literally made me angry. So (SPOILERS!) she just got married to Colton, (yes, married) who just a few book lines ago told her that he loved everything about her, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and makes a ton of sexual jokes. Then, after the wedding he takes her by the hand to go to his house. Her first reaction: “Oh no! Is he going to reject me again? Did he want to take me here to reject me?” NO YOU DUMBASS, HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Because after I get married and my man takes me to a private spot, I’m going to be worried that he wanted to get me alone to tell me that it wasn’t working out between us. Like, “sorry I married you! Should have thought that one through!” Then again, these characters think nothing through.
To be fair, it wasn’t all bad. There were some parts that made me smile, twice I laughed out loud. I adored Max until he got a narrated part towards the end, and then I was just fed up with the book in general. Had I only finished half of The Consequence of Colton, it would have gotten a higher review, but by the end, it really was just too much for me. Too much sexual frustration, too much hyperactivity, and too much dumbass-ness.
Slightly More than a Waste of my Time.
Hey! This is the first time I’ve ever trashed a book! (I think.) In part, I feel like a horrible person for being so cruel, but in part I think love should be a feeling, not a longstanding joke.